If it weren't for you, I could be anywhere

You were hoping for a nice long update akin to the one this past week, right? Well, keep hoping. I'm in the midst of cleaning out my old e-mail account (long live 'hcjoel@hwcn.org') because it's Lynx-based (I only saw text, never graphics) and it cost $32 a year. Hotmail is free. Gmail is free. I'm with Hotmail for the time being. Anyhow, I had quite a few messages saved from over the years. Some were heartfelt, some were silly and I appreciate them all. I thought I'd share two of the good ones with you, my friend. Keep in mind, it's me we're talking about so if it's stupid, you know who to direct your scorn toward.

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[This one isn't old. It's new. Last month, in fact. Within days of returning home from Cuba, Josh got a message from Alfredo, who was a good dude that worked in the gym at the El Senador. Josh sent him a message to say 'hi'. This is what Josh got in return. I don't know which is funnier, Alfredo's broken English or Josh's sarcastic commentary.]


Date: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 21:48:20 +0000
From: joshua boettger
To: hcjoel@hwcn.org
Subject: cuba alfredo

i emailed alfredo. this is what he emailed me back. what the
hell does this mean? why doesn't everyone just forget their
culture and speak english to make life easier for me.

>From: Alfredo Espinoza
>To: joshua boettger
>Subject: alfred
>Date: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 15:41:18 -0600 (CST)
>
> Hola dear friends Thank you for writing itself I
> remember(remind) them with a lot of sharm take
> care greatly his(its) friend
> Alfred

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[Everybody LOVES e-mail surveys, right? And by 'love', of course I mean 'loathe'. Here's one I filled out late one night in August of 2003. I'm hilarious. Every time I read my answer to question 13, I laugh. A lot. I have always told Melanie that everyone is their own favourite comedian. I am most definitely my favourite comedian.]


Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 01:45:49 -0400 (EDT)
From: Joel
To: Undisclosed recipients: ;
Subject: Do you have 30 minutes you can waste? I do!

Whitney sent this out as a joke. Really, these are just a joke. Most people must respond while at work and bored. Who would answer all these ridiculous questions on their own time? Especially if they're up at 1:17AM! Oh yeah, that's me. Here's some fun spam.

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?
Joel Jon Gregory Martin. I don't know what possessed my parents to give me the middle name 'Jon'. That's the dork spelling.

2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?
Beige. Maybe light brown would be a better descriptor.

3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The hum of my computer. It's frickin' late and the people upstairs would be seriously ticked if I threw on the tunes. I was, however, listening to the new album, 'Whispermoon', by one of my new favourite MCs, The Listener.

4. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER?

9609. To the author of this question, I would ask, 'Which single digit
represents your I.Q.?'

5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Some salt and vinegar chips, provided by the Taxman, Eric Tomlinson. Always trying to fatten me up.

6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Probably black to represent the colour of my soul. What? I don't know.

7. WHERE DO YOU PLAN TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON?
I haven't the foggiest idea. There's no rush for that. It really doesn't matter because I intend on being too tired to see any of the sights outside of the hotel room, if you know what I'm saying. If you don't know what I'm saying, I mean that I'll be having sex constantly for a week and am not interested in sightseeing when I can be doing it.

8. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
It's not unwell.

9. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Do answering machines count? If so, Josh. If not, Melanie.

10. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I honestly can't say. Physical traits like their smile and eyes sound hokey but it's probably true. I don't know that any one thing is the first thing I notice. I like to think I take in the whole package - smile, eyes, lips, hips, booty, boobies, hair, posture, clothing.

11. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS?
Yeah, Whitney is ok. She just doesn't call enough.

12. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
Like the weather, I am not unwell. I would say I am relatively okay.

13. FAVORITE DRINK?
Cherry Coke. Or chocolate milk. I know the question was singular but I can do whatever I damn well please. I could have said my favourite drink was 'laundromat' or 'car' and you couldn't do a thing about it.

14. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
The kind that I don't have to drink. I honestly do not enjoy alcohol. It's not a moral qualm, I just don't appreciate the flavour. It's not for me.

15. HOW DO YOU EAT AN OREo?
With my ass. I crush it with a hammer and stick it in my bum. You happy? With my mouth, of course.

16. FAVORITE SPORTS?
Basketball, hockey, running, rugby, volleyball and anything else that is
just fun to pick up and play.

17. HAIR COLOR?
Light brown?

18. EYE COLOR?
Green.

19. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No.

20. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES:
Holly (23)

21. FAVORITE MONTH?
Probably April or June.

22. FAVORITE FOOD?
Chicken wings, gyros (or donairs), Quizno's subs, street meat, most of the baked goods Melanie makes up, Charcoal Pit burgers.

23. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Dumb and Dumber.

24. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Every Saturday.

25. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Directly, yes. Indirectly, yes.

26. DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING MOVIES BETTER?
Probably 'happy ending' movies. I'm not easily scared by movies. Suspense gets to me more than horror.

27. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer, without hesitation. I'd move somewhere warm year-round if Canada wasn't the kick-ass country that it is.

28. HUGS OR KISSES?
Call me a wuss but I'm probably a bigger fan of hugs. I do enjoy my cuddling and snuggling. Of course, there is something to be said for a hot chick's tongue in my mouth as well...

29. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationships. I don't get the 'one night stand' dealie in real life. Maybe a freaky, pretend, bizarro world but not here. Dammit.

30. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Both are ok. I prefer different flavours (such as chocolate/peanut butter).

31. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE YOU BACK?
Friends?!? I have friends?!?! Yes, yes, yes! Write me back! Oh, please, write me back! I swear, I'll be your best friend ever! We'll ride bikes, buy Slurpees and hang out. I'll give you my best baseball cards!

32. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
No one. I'm the lamest person I know. Everyone else has a life and better things to do.

33. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Cal and Jon Belanger. These sort of things just make them really, really bitter. I know, you didn't think it was possible for them to become MORE bitter. It is. Just watch.

34. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS?
Basement dweller in Mark & Summer's house. It's a decent setup.

35. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
'An American Childhood' by Annie Dillard.

36. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
My mouse. What the hell is on your mouse pad??!?

37. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Probably Scattergories or Balderdash. Good ol' Kenny Bunker.

38. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
Went to Chaps with Melanie and Christina Vandermark for some good lovin' food. Then watched Paradise Hotel with Melanie. That show is so frickin' stupid - and I can't stop watching it.

39. FAVORITE SMELLS?
BBQ, some nice ladies perfume and Irish Spring soap (any of its scents).

40. WHAT IS YOUR PASSION?
Music, friends, learning, God - those all mixed up together.